So I have needed to blog about this for awhile but I really have not wanted to. When I think about it I want to run the in the opposite direction, or cry, or hide in a big hole. So far all the running and hiding has not done any good so it is time to face it and deal.
For the past few months I have started worrying about Sydney's heart. Ever sense the end of August Sydney has been getting every stinkin' virus or sickness that comes her way. At first I just chalked it up as being the start of the flu season and left it at that. Then I noticed that with each new infection Sydney would lose weight, stop eating, stop drinking, and a few times she even turned blue around her mouth, arms and legs. My usually borderline ADHD active little girl was slowing down a bit(maybe to the speed of a normal two year old). The moment she got over one sickness she started another one, so I made an appointment with Sydney's paediatrician. I told her doctor to feel free to tell me if she thought I was smoking dope/crazy/insane about the things I had been seeing lately but she agreed that Sydney needed to be checked more so she sent her to get an EKG. She also urged me to keep Sydney out of public places for 3-4 weeks to give her immune system a chance to recover and she gave me a list of vitamins to give her to help her immune system.
A few days later they I heard from Sydney's heart doctor saying that she wanted to meet with us the following week instead of our usual December appointment and that she wanted Sydney to get an echo. I got off the phone and had an anxiety attack. I watched my little girl playing and was sick at the thought of her having her have to go through open heart surgery #2. The thought of my little two year old who is so open and loving and friendly having to go through so much pain was heart wrenching! I just sat and cried and watched her as she played and thought about what a cute little girl she has become. I guess I have taken her mostly good health these past two years for granted. I am not sure when I stopped thinking of her a my baby girl with a heart condition and instead just thinking of her as me little girl who loves to giggle and play with animals. But with that one phone call I began to see her again as my little heart baby. I keep seeing those long days in the PICU, with her laying in that tiny hospital crib with her chest open and what seemed like a hundred machines and IV's keeping her alive. How will surgery #2 change my sweet fearless little girl. I know that she can recover from this physically but emotionally I am scared to death about how this next surgery will change my sweet, innocent little girl.
Sydney's appointment is scheduled for tomorrow at noon. I don't know what her doctor will say. Maybe all my worrying is for nothing. Maybe Sydney's heart is doing fine. Maybe they will just need to put her on some type of heart medications. Maybe it will finally be time for her second surgery. I don't know what the outcome will be and I hope that I can be ready for what ever is up ahead for my brave little girl. I will be ready. I have to be. I have to be the strong one for my sweet baby girl to lean on. Come what may and love it....right?
For now I am just praying that the echo will show a clear accurate picture of how Sydney's heart is working so that we can be able to see what needs to happen from here. I will be ready for what ever the results will be, good or bad. I am hoping for the best but I will be prepared for the worst. Send a prayer in our direction please, we will need them!
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11 comments:
We will keep you in our prayers! Hang in there!!!
You are an amazing example! You'll be in our prayers!
We are definitely saying prayers for Sydney, you, and all the family! Keep us updated! {HUGS}
oh...i'm so sorry. we will pray for you.
your in our prayers. let us know if you need anything at all!!
That's so hard Caralee! Thoughts & prayers for the best tomorrow. Keep us posted.
You guys are for sure in our prayers! Keep up the strength and keep us posted.
That is not good news, I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. Your family is definitely in our prayers. Keep us updated!!
Whatever happens, we're here if you need us!
The only advice I have, I'm sure you're already doing. But just make sure Sydney knows what's happening and why and that you are right there with her. We've never gone through this type of thing with our girls, but I know it always helped them when they're scared to be kept in the loop. Sonora likes to sing songs and say prayers too. There's such faith in these little ones.
With her strong will I know Sydney will be able to overcome whatever obstacles she faces. And you will too!
*hugs*
Thinking about you...crying with you...praying for you...sure love you!
Well I'm sure glad things look good with her heart! I've thought recently about that saying "Time heals all wounds" I don't think that's true. I think time leads to acceptance. I have come to terms with the fact that Caden will need more surgeries. I honestly believe it will be years down the road, and hopefully by then they'll have new technology, so that our babies won't have to go through this over and over and over again. Sometimes I tear up when I see Caden playing and having a blast with other kids... healthy kids. It's just not fair to him, nor to Sydney. I hope they are both old enough by the next surgery that it won't affect them too much. I hope.
Just remember that you are definitely not alone. ((hugs))
Ashlea
Caden and Cameron's momma
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