I can't sleep.
I can't sleep because I am filled with all kinds of anxiety and shame.
I am feeling anxiety because I am shooting my first wedding tomorrow(today) and I feel extremely inadequate and overwhelmed.
I am feeling shame because I was so wrapped up in my anxiety and feeling of inadequacy that I have been not a nice person to my family. I have not been a nice wife and I have not been a nice mom. My daughter did not deserve having me yell at her today today, she doesn't understand the real reason that I am on edge. My husband did not deserve being ignored or glared at, yelled at and growled at for the past few days, either for that matter.
On the days leading to a new photo shoot, I forget the excitement that should come with being able to capture these amazing moments for people and instead I am filled with anxiety and a feeling of self doubt.
I obsess over my feeling and questions come up like: What makes me feel like I can take a decent picture? I have never had any type of training. I have no idea what I am doing. Hell, I have only recently started learning what aperture is better for different types of settings, and that I know NOTHING about ISO and shutter speed. Don't even get me started on all the different editing programs and the in's and out' s of Photoshop and Lightroom(which I am told is awesome, but looks like a foreign language to me).
Mean while I have this debate in my head about not being good enough to do what I love to do, but still wanting to do it. I see so many talented photographers and I think I will never take a picture like that. I obsess about not having the knowledge of all the in's and out's of Photography, but still having the itch to pull out my camera when my daughter turns her head and looks at me a certain way or when my baby boy twinkles his eyes at me and I wish I could just capture that look and that feeling forever.
Why can't I believe in myself more? Why is this so hard for me to do? Maybe it is so hard because I am not supposed to do it. Maybe I am not meant to be a photographer. Yet, just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. I have always loved photography and I am at a point in my life that I feel like I can use it to my advantage. I finally have a passion about something and I really want to see it through and become better at it. I just wish it came easier to me. I wish I wasn't so full of anxiety the night before the shoot, that I can't sleep, and that I have nightmares about my camera not working when it comes time for me to actually take the pictures(last nights dream). I wish that I didn't get so worked up and worried about capturing that perfect shot that I yell at my three year old for just being a three year old. I am sitting here in tears and can't sleep because I swore to myself many many years ago that I would never yell at my child the way that I yelled her today. I know how it feels to be yelled at like that and it is a horrible feeling. I have let myself down. I broke a promise that I made to myself, and my children before they where even born and I am ashamed because of it.
Today I was a bad mom.
Is following my passion for photography making me a bad mom? Is all the anxiety and self doubt worth the pain that this passion of mine puts my family through? Or is it a good thing? Will it get easier with time?Maybe with more practice and perseverance I will get better and I wont have so much anxiety. I have to admit that capturing that perfect shot is an amazing feeling. And I really love learning new things. I haven't done anything just for me in a very long time and it feels good.
I don't know the answer to my questions.
I just don't know.
Today I was a bad mom. I will make it up to Sydney tomorrow. I hope she can forgive me.
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5 comments:
I have a good friend who is a well-known motivational speaker. She inspires me. And she often says, "When those thoughts come creeping in of I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not skinny enough, I am not spiritual enough, I am not talented enough. Just stop...and with conviction, say aloud...I AM ENOUGH!"
Your Heavenly Father loves you to pieces Caralee, and your self doubt breaks His heart because you are HIS daughter and He KNOWS how amazing and talented you are. I have felt like a bad wife and mom, too, many, many times. But you and I both need to forgive ourselves, take a deep breath, and move on to a better day.
I love you, friend! You can do it.
We all have those days. Don't be yourself up too much. I find myself almost nightly reviewing the times throughout the day that I should have handled a situation better then the way I did.
Good luck today! I'm sure they will turn out great!
I agree- you are too hard on yourself. Think of all the positive things that "worked" during the day and just try to make it better tomorrow. You are a good mom!
Caralee-YOU ARE AWESOME! Always remember that! Those people came to YOU because they saw your pictures and thought "WOW!". Your pictures are beautiful and you're really good at it. It doesn't matter how much schooling someone has or how much knowledge someone has at something, somethings (like photography) are just natural to some people rather than others and you're just a natural. You can see things that others don't and you capture it and you're really good at it! You are also a great mom! your kids and hubby know that you love them, everyone falls off the deep end every once in a while. Move on and start over fresh tomorrow.
You are a good mom! Your kids are just so lucky to have you! Remember that! I know you will do a great job on the wedding pictures today! Good luck and remember we are all rooting for you! Love you lots!
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