Truth

Sometimes I feel that I try to paint this perfect little picture on my blog. I blog of happy things, swimming, trips to the zoo, and funny things that Sydney has done. I am not sure why I feel the need to paint such a picture, I never really blog anything about me, maybe thats because blogging about Sydney and all her cuteness is safe, and me..... in all my turmoil.... is so not safe!

The Truth.......

I am terrified that I will fail as a mother to Sydney. She needs so much, not only does she need all the things that most children need, she needs more. Somehow I am supposed to teach this tiny little trusting child the scary reality that she will need regular open heart surgeries. Somehow I need to teach her that although she is going to have many many trails, that if she is strong and stays close to her Heavenly Father, he will bless her and help her get through them. Somehow I need to teach her to love her self, and to have confidence in herself and in her body. Yes, her tiny little chest has to many scars to even count, but somehow I want to teach her to be proud of all those scars, for they tell a story. A story about how she almost died as a baby but managed to find the strength at just two weeks old to not only keep living but to impress the doctors with her strength and love of life.

I am terrified that I wont be able to teach Sydney to have all the many qualities that she will need to survive these surgeries. I don't even possess these qualities, so how on earth am I supposed to be able to teach them to my daughter. One of my deepest fears is that Sydney will take on all my weaknesses. I have so many of them, they keep me from being truly happy.

I am terrified that my fears for Sydney's future will somehow transfer to her. I know that I need to deal with my fears now before Sydney gets to much older, but it is so hard to face the reality that my daughter will have many more risky surgeries in her future, and somehow I have to prepare her for them. We fought so hard to get this special spirit into our family, to have her almost die when she was a baby was the hardest thing that I have every gone through in my life!

Lately I have noticed the impact that all of these fears has had on my life, on my relationship with my husband and in my relationships with family and friends. I am so tired of dealing with them day in and day out! Recently we had a Relief Society lesson about Mother's who know(I sat and cried the entire lesson). I realized that I am not a mother who knows, instead I am a mother who runs and hides from her problems, hoping beyond hope that when I finally decide to stop hiding that all my fears and problems will have all gone away. I realize how unhealthy that this is and I am making a new goal not to hide from my problems and fears. I know that this is going to be a vary hard thing for me to do but if I want to be the kind of mother that Sydney deserves, facing these hard things will be well worth it in the end! I only hope and pray that I have the strength that it will take to deal with the many things that I have been running from for so long. So there you have it, the truth, I am sorry to have unloaded it all right here on my blog but it feels better to stop hiding and vent a little!