Waiting

Monday is the big day, I am trying my hardest not to have a panic attack as we get things ready for Sydney to have her tests tomorrow. They encouraged us to try to have Sydney a little sleepy so that they when they sedate her it will be easier on her. So we are going to try to keep Sydney up late tonight and wake her up early in the morning so that she will be extra tired......yeah good times! We need to check into Primary's at 7:15 and then her echo is scheduled for 8:00. After Sydney's echo we have an appointment to see her cardiologist at 10:00.

For the most part I have had a sense of peace with having to get the testing that Sydney is going to have to go through tomorrow. I have always known that someday she would need more surgery. As I am preparing to make the trip to Primary's early tomorrow, I am suddenly struck with this overwhelming fear. This sick feeling in my stomach and chest that seems to be making it hard to breathe. I keep seeing this picture in my head of my tiny newborn baby as they did her sedated echo's before her first surgery. I remember how tiny and helpless she was laying there, motionless, in that tiny little newborn crib. At times I had to stop myself from rushing over, scooping her up in my arms and running away with her. I wanted to take her way to a place where there was nothing scary like heart defects and open heart surgeries. Where she was free to be a perfect little girl with out worries, heart defects or pain. In some ways going back to Primary's tomorrow with Sydney is like facing those very first scary days where I had no idea if my baby girl was going to make it or not.

I guess I am mostly just scared of all the unknowns, and scared of what this echo might reveal. I wish I had a piece of paper, and on this simple piece of paper would have the date of every trail my family and I was going to have and how long it would last. That way I wouldn't have all the craziness that comes with the not knowing. Instead of stressing out I could just look at this list and know for sure what was happening next and who long I was expected to struggle with it. I have never been one that liked the unknown. Knowing what is going to happen, lets me prepare emotionally so all the craziness I feel can just take a flying leap. If only such a piece of paper truly existed!

I will try to let everyone know as soon as we can what we find out tomorrow. If I don't get a chance to blog the results tomorrow, I will try to update some time on Tuesday when we make it back to St. George.