When did she get so big?

I was thinking yesterday about Sydney's birthday next week and I was struck with the realization that my baby isn't so much a baby anymore. She has come such a long way from where she started. My little fighter girl who had to overcome open heart surgery at just two weeks old has turned into a sweet, spunky, incredibly loving, outgoing, spirited, almost 4 year old big girl. When did this happen? How did she get so big? Where was I when all of this growing up was happening?

She has overcame so much in her short life and I feel like I missed it. I of course was there for all the important parts, I didn't miss a single first. Her first steps, her first words, her first birthday and first holidays. I was there for all of it. I was there for all of her second and thirds and fourths and for every other important day of her life these past four years. But sadly I think that I have wished away most of it. I spent the last four years wishing that my life was different. Feeling ungrateful for my circumstance in life and wishing my life was easier or happier. I can't tell you how many times I have wished that my life could be like what I thought everyone else's life was like. A life with a perfect caring and attentive husband. Kids who were smart, who listened and who were well behaved. A life were I was a stay at home mom with the perfect clean house, a healthy dinner on the table every night, and time to work out everyday. I have spent so much time being ungrateful about my current disappointing life that my real life just passed me by.
Not only did I wish my life away but I wished hers away as well. I have tried so hard to push this little girl into the mold of that perfect little child that I think that she should be. How many times have I wished that she would listen to me better, or that she could pay attention better when I was trying to teach her something. That she could be a little calmer or that she wouldn't be so sick all the time. That she would sit still in primary, or be a better helper with her brother. I have spent so much time trying to change her that at times I forgot to embrace that part of her that makes her so special. That spunky, happy, energetic tom boy part of her that makes her who she is. I forgot that the spirited, driven, energetic, fighter part of her that at times, can drive me bonkers. Is the very part of her that gave her the will. and drive, to survive those first few weeks of her life. She very easily could have died at anytime before or after her open heart surgery, but this spirited little girl was a fighter from the very beginning and she survived because of all those special little things that makes her who she is today those very things that can drive me nuts. While I was busy wishing she was easier to deal with, that she would sit still better, or that she listened better, she was busy growing into the beautiful, loving, smart, almost four year old that she is today.
I can't believe how selfish I have been these past four years. I cared more about my ideal life than the life that I was actually living. This next year I hope to be able to recognize those special moments as they happen. I hope to be more grateful. I hope to be able to be a better Mom to this adorable little girl and her brother. She deserves a better Mom. One who will accept her for her energetic, spunky, loving nature. One that encourages her to embrace that spirited/fighter part of her, learn from it, and use it to help her as she goes through this life. I know that when that dreaded next open heart surgery happens that she will need that spirited spunky fighter part of her. She will need it to not only help her survive this next surgery but all other surgery's and trials that are in her future. As I think about it I have no clue how to encourage this part of her, it seems like a huge task that is asked of me to do as her mother. I hope and pray that I can find ways that will help nurture and encourage that part of this brave little girl.
And I hope and pray that I am up for the challenge.