On being a Mom

Between these past few sleepless nights Sydney and I have been having, and the many things that seem to be going wrong dreadfully wrong, I have had a lot of time to think about what it is really like being a Mom. I have been thinking about the constant worry and overwhelming love for this tiny person in my care, and I find myself wondering about this tiny miracle that I hold in my arms everyday. I am in awe and wonder at what a strong spirit she must be. Sent to this earth knowing of the many challenges that she was going to face yet so eager and willing to come. I remember how my heart ached as we found out the extent of her heart defects, finding out that she would not only have to have this one surgery to save her life, but many others. The thought of all the pain she would have to endure broke my heart a thousand times over! I remember other sleepless nights sobbing as I held my tiny angel next to my chest willing her little heart to keep working long enough to get to her into surgery. Begging Heavenly Father to take this from her, pleading with him to make her strong to help her to fight through this. The fear that I felt shoot through me as I handed her over to the surgeons, not knowing when, if ever I would hold my baby again. I remember night after sleepless night in the intensive care unit sitting by her bed and stroking her swollen hands and feet, aching to see a sign of life, the tiny movements that meant she was fighting to live. I will never forget the joy I felt finally getting to hold my daughter again my my aching arms, or the very first time she smiled up at me from the circle of my arms. These past few hard days with Sydney's refusing to eat, teething, and coming down with yet another cold, has forced me to remember that things really aren't that bad. My baby is alive! My baby is healthy! My baby is a miracle! Even during the very worst moments these past few days: the puke at two a.m., the diarrhea running down my arms and her legs, the struggle to get her to eat, and the many sleepless nights, I realize what a blessing all these things are. I have been given the chance to serve, mold and love a beautiful and strong Daughter of God! As intimidating as it may be to raise this special spirit I don't think that Heavenly Father would have given me a challenge that I was going to fail doing. In a way it is kind of a compliment that he thinks I may be strong enough to have and raise this sweet little girl in our family! I can clearly see that this task is not going to be easy, that there will be many many times that I will feel as if I might fail. At these moments it helps me to think back to the long journey we have had with our little angel. How scary and intense it was in the beginning and how far she has had to come! She is a bright and happy baby, she is a fighter, and I will fight to! She gives me the inspiration to be a Mom worthy enough to raise and love a daughter like her! I love you Sydney Jo!